The "I am"

this weekend i hit my lowest low in a very long time. i made a choice to do something and let something happen because i wanted it to. im sorry for letting it happen but it doesn’t remove what i did. i have been forgiven but im not going unpunished. after what i did i went on a walk for about 3 hrs, i stopped at a place of my child hood and rested there for about an hour of that walk. the first hour was explaining to God what i did and my thoughts about it. the next hour at the rest point was just silencing my hurt, remember times of innocence, of closeness, and then of the beautiful creations God has created, the next hour i walked slowly trying to listen to what God had to say, He didn’t have to say much, but i believe i heard a voice inside say "its ok" then i felt calm, i wasn’t angry any more, i still felt bad, but i wasn’t going to dwell on a sin and dig myself a hole in it. i was going to get out of it and keep moving. i returned home to have a great talk with a friend that has always been there for me. we don’t talk or hang out much and kind of have a different life but always can talk. it was nice. i slipped and went back to the "old life" but im going to try my best not to allow that to happen.
i started reading a book this week called "searching for God knows what". im on page 50 and am loving it. this has been said before but the writer says the goes for a walk and tells God that He doesn’t exist, but that right there he realizes isn’t possible, how do you tell some one to their face that they aren't real? it kind of hit me, He does exist where ever you are or what ever you are doing, He knows all and sees all. another point the writer brings up is the type of god he was dening, it was a god of rules and points, a set by set god. he later learns that the true God of the Bible isnt that way, He is a relational God, some one that wants to hear your thoughts, feel your pains, hug you when you feel down, and sit you in his lap and say "its ok". and it really hit me on my walk. God is big, He is real, He loves us for all that we do, we can do the worst things in the world, and be forgiven and start doing His work the next day. He is "I am", in the hebrew that is so much more powerful, it leads back to the first days of earth, creation, its infinite; "I am 'I am'" it repeats to the begining and the end. i still feel like crap about what i did but i really feel loved and supported in this time of hurt. i dont know if i made sense in this but i dont care, i understand it. a lesson to you all is just show love and just grow. im trying to do it do, its hard to keep up but we all have to start some where.
thank you God for being the "I am"

trust vs. faith

"Father... don't you have faith in me?"
"I have faith in the lord! I trust you as much as one can trust a 15 year old boy."
That is a line from last weeks episode of House called God vs. House. It wasnt the best episode ever but that line kind of struck me. Not because I see where the guy is coming from, which I do, but thats besides the point. Its because faith is different then trust. People say they lost faith in some one when they really only lost trust in them. But say they lost trust in God but no longer have faith to believe it. I might be just talking out of my butt, but I really dont care. This blog is for me to type and type I will. I do really think its hard for people to understand the difference, many people that have faith in God think that trust is the same thing, but trust can be broken like a promise. God doesnt promise to do anything besides to Love. But we say we trust a certian thing will happen because we prayed about it, but when it doesnt we blame God, and praise ourselves... kind of weird aye? Yeah it is. But when you have faith that God will provide that certian thing and it doesnt happen, you don't blame Him, you praise and glorify Him because it wasnt in His timing or His will. Crazy that we can mix those to weirds up.
faith
n. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
trust
n. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Faith = no evidence, no substance Trust = has evidence, has substance.
Please dont get me wrong, we should trust in God because He tells us too. But alot of people believe they hear Gods voice or know what God would do, and "trust" that thing will happen, and some times it doesnt. Most of the time we talk to God we really dont listen back... we process the idea that we talked to God about, that we come up with our on conclusion and believe God lead us there. Sometimes it just doesnt turn out. I trust God will provide, because He will, but I have faith that He will do it on His timing, when I truly need it, when it will bring to Him more glory, not something to distract me more.

I might be completely wrong, way off, may have smashed my thumb with the hammer, dropped the nail, and cracked the board. But maybe I got close enough for a point.
I really would like some feed back.
The reason I have this blog is to ask questions to people, have it always there to go back to, to get responses, or just to get out thoughts.
So hop to it