Word of the day...

i get the word of the day on my igoogle mini feed. Todays is lachrymose: to bring to tears. i set that as my status for facebook as a joke because well i just don't cry. i clicked yesterdays word which was bagatelle: something of little importance. This hit me because its in my present life with a lot of things i do and how i'm feeling about my position in life in the next few months. It reminds me of when i first got here to florida. i felt so out of place, i knew no one and lived in a dirty house with an evil dog that was my only friend. i remember not getting calls from any one back home. i was already forgotten. During the holidays, only a few people would visit or call to hang out, yet every time we talked before they said they missed me and wanted to hang out so bad when i'm home. well its the same thing now. i feel a bit of a bagatelle. people don't want me to leave, they want me to get jobs down here, they say they will miss me and want me to visit, they want to keep a friendship that never really was.

i'm going back to michigan for only a few reason, i really don't want to be there, i really shouldn't be there, but i know i have to. its not possible to keep the "same" friendship with some one who moves unless both of you make a strong commitment to do so (and i'm not seeing that happen).

last night at hc we watched the nooma video - breathe. a great video, talking about the name of the Lord really being spoken as if it was breathe or that it is breathe and life itself. every breathe we talk should be a realization of the presence of God. we talked about breathing out things that needed to be let go; things that were weighing on us, or things we need to give to God. Then breathing in our prayers and just remembering blessings of God. We went around saying things that we needed to breathe out. i had nothing till we started.

it was this. i'm going back home to a dis-functioning selfish family, that doesn't know how to prioritize and not to over use the goodness of my dads time, skills and money. most of my friends back home, i've lost connection with. the few that are really friends aren't doing anything with their lives or off at school. i'm going back to a state thats dieing and isn't able to help itself out. i have have a degree thats going to be useless besides for under paying small businesses that don't understand the value of a real site and time it takes to make one or underpaying churches that don't have the money, resources, knowledge and they expect everything to be done with the God-price value (or you are doing this for God so why are you charging so much, even though you are charging them 30% of what you normally charge in the first place).

i want to start a college ministry, nothing like status but one with the similar ideas of investing in the future leaders of the world, the people that aren't sure of their purpose in life.
in elementary school you are just learning that you are able to do things.
in high school you are learning those things are hard to get to.
in college you learn that its cost a lot of money and time and you still might not get to were you want.

after all of this. you aren't in your dream job and you have 100k in loans to pay off.
i want to invest in those people, i want them to have a place to call a home of worship and place where antecedences you meet on a broken futon and to girls come up and say "Hi, my name is Jess and this is Crystal, you look like our friend", that become friends that become family.

its somethings that is essential to any one in the 20's college range.

back to topic. i don't know how i'm going to do this. where i'm going to get money to drive to grand rapids or live in grand rapids few days to have events, meetings and just live life with these people. i don't know if i'm equipped enough; i don't have a strove of knowledge from the bible, i haven't lived long enough to have a lot of life experience knowledge or i wasn't raised in a broken home to come out and get a degree. i'm just a jack of all trades, i can help fix your car, i can run sound, i can take pictures, but i can't talk to people in large groups, i can't always get a thought out properly, i'm not an encourager. i don't know what to do with this.

what does this last month look like? will i get all the stuff i need done done? will i get to see people that i've built relationships for the last 2 years enough to say "yeah, i'm ready to go". will that happen? will i be "ready" to go? what will happen to people i started friendships with? or people i just meet and wanted to badly to get to know better? will that happen? should that happen?

while all this is happening i would like to find a school to get a bachelors of art in photography, learn how to paint better, and a masters of marketing or masters of education in digital arts and design.

i like being a jack of all trades, today keeps asking for specialist, people that are great at one things and thats it. they want some one who can just be placed to do something and it will be perfect, its almost unionistic: you only do what you are hired to do, if something else needs to be done, you hire or find some one else thats was hired for that job.

i think thats keeps us in a mundane basic life. i can't just code or day, or design or day, or just do photography all day. i love helping people, going from building a desk to painting to riding bikes, to taking a scout troop on a 30 mile hike just to have them see a light house in the middle of no where.

its hard to feel good enough or to be good enough in this industry being what i want to be. companies want to hire the best of that design skill because they don't have time or money to mess around with some one thats pretty good compared to great. i'm in the pretty good. i'm better then most, i know what i'm doing, but there are people that just have a grasp on that technique or skill or coding language or just having a better eye or bigger imagination then i do. how to you justify not giving up who you want to be to get some where?

i have a lot on my mind. i usually do super well with multitasking but the problem, WHATS MY TASK!? i have to figure that out before i can task it all out, before i know where i'm going with what i doing or what i have to do to get there. another problem is most of this is emotional thought thats been so hard to get around. i'm supposed to feel sad, and happy for whats happening. im neither. i just sit with those thoughts/feelings in my head, tossing them from hand to hand. play tennis with them. from one court of "thats a good thing" to the court of "thats a bad thing" but which sucks it that it gets in the court next to me of "what the hell is that thought for?".

i don't think i'm done with this entry. but i feel that i'll just have to get back to you later with some more thoughts.

well tell me how many grammatical errors there are in here and tell me if its makes sense.
~michael



lachrymose \LAK-ruh-mohs\, adjective:
1. Generating or shedding tears; given to shedding tears; suffused with tears; tearful.
2. Causing or tending to cause tears.

bagatelle \bag-uh-TEL\, noun:
1. A trifle; a thing of little or no importance.
2. A short, light musical or literary piece.
3. A game played with a cue and balls on an oblong table having cups or arches at one end.