may it be

Enya is singing a song from the lord of the rings. With her Celtic vocals and orchestrated musical filling in the background, the body just becomes at peace. it relaxes and is set into a short term hibernation. yet i sit here at 2am with some of the most calming music ever playing and find myself completely awake. i've been so used to having a place to run to and get away from my problems, a person to meet with and talk too, an event that was happening to distract the world. Yet now i find myself lacking these opportunity. im in a foreign land where im a stranger, im called a thick blood and a Yankee, i don't shiver when the temps get "cold" and the wind hallows through the streets. im a bull in a china shop. At the same time im slowing becoming cold as the evenings draw closer and starting to get a group of friends that i can call and hang out with and they know me by name and by face. im one of the first to be called and not a friend calling a friend that im hanging out with event now (if that even made sense). im not typing this to complain or anything, its just strange to think, only 2 months ago i was a complete stranger to this land, i had completely no friends i knew 2 peoples name in this entire state and now i have a group that i hang out with and do things with. BUT IS IT ALL FOR NOT? in 2 years i will have moved back to Michigan or the east coast to start my career, i will have completed my degree and be working and in the cold weather again, all to start over, met new people, buy a house, get a store front, and begin my new life. how many people do i know down here that i will keep in touch with. how many of them will i take the time and money to go see or visa versa. its an emptying thought. realizing the time and effort put in remembering peoples names and faces, learning where they are from and what they are doing here, figuring out their dislikes and likes, pet peeves and habits, remembering streets and houses, the cars they drive and what they named them. is it all for not? for in 2 years i will have left. how many people will i know? how many will i remember? how many will remember me? is it worth even trying? is it worth even worrying? is it worth wait to see?
people from church, school, parties, random happenings, and just life; will have all faded into nothing or become a vivid part of my life. but i dont know which one. its all just thoughts that i have been having lately.

Empty

Do you ever get the feeling of just being completely filled but at the same time feel so empty. With in only a few months, there isn't much holding me to my old life. Not many connections, lost friendships, missed experiences, and just time. I like at my future, it just has a blip of my old life in there. I feel like moving back to Michigan and working to pay off some of my loans but then I feel like going to Africa for at least 6 months then moving to the east coast and starting a business. Its almost like Michigan is disappearing, its only a thing of the past, memories and events but nothing more. Within 22 months I will have my bachelors and be an adult and be off in the real world, paying off loans, owning a business, being engaged/married or just single; I don't know... But I no longer have my "youth" with me, yes I'm still young and have so much to learn and do but at the same time I cant just run of and go play and do nothing, I now already have 10k in loans, its insane, I now have to work that off, have to pay for housing, food, gas, repairs, school, clothing, doctors, and more.
I feel so fulfilled with where I'm at in life. But empty because I'm losing a part of my life in away.

just an update

i plain on updating alot more often with things in my life. dont worry im still hear.
im watching fight club right now too

this part of the country

YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY...
As that song plays on itunes i think to myself. Tons of emotions go through me right now. The largest of them are doubt, i just feel i missed out on something, im not good enough for this school, im not ready for going on my own, and why did i go so far away. i miss my parents, friends, Sara, dog, cold weather, familiarity, jumpin' java, and knowing where im driving. ive gotten lost almost every time ive driven here, its not cool.

florida

its 11am and im packing, sitting here in a towel from the shower (realizing all my cloths are packed...) and going to be leaving for florida in the next couple of hours. its a whole new life, a giant step (leap more or less), its kind of scary, exciting, insane, and i just dont know. im going to miss every one, and everything. im missing fall, and winter, and spring. florida is not that exciting, we dont get to have adventures like michigan does. its so flat and boring. but i will return (during holidays) in 22 months with my bach. of science in digital arts and design. i will be a "grown up" i dont get this. ive been called sir, mistaken as a 35 year old guy with 2 kids, i dont even get carded when i buy cigars. its weird. but i love you all and ill miss you all.
~with love
Michael
ps ill post my address for every one later.

time is short

i planned on doing alot of things before summers end. i wanted to achieve so much before i left this state. but i look back and achieved nothing. i wanted to do so well in showing love, in learning, in earning money, in friendships and getting closer to God. as i look back i've done nothing like that, its not at all better. i keep being selfish, losing track of time, not making enough and not being able to get closer. people say its so much harder in college, but im thinking different, i believe i have to many distractions here, i have no space to grow, no rooms to build in, and well again distrations. even as i sit here typing family guy, checking myspace, editing a stupid photo all pulls me away from getting closer to God, getting a higher education, helping others and reaching out. i really think being at school will help.

this is also a update, i will be starting to update more often once i get to school. i plan on leaving for full sail sept 5/6th and taking a small vacation/trip on the way there. i have all the money (for school) i need and should have the apartment set up in the next week. thanks to all for the support and prayers. keep praying for me, i will be heading down alone because adam couldnt make it this time, but he hopes to go later this year. i will be posting my address and number once i get down there and am settled.
i will miss you all.
~mike

this isnt a real one

this post is just saying i will be updating more
ive just been busy and had computer problems, but i will be using this during college alot bc i will be lonely there and will need to get my thoughts out to someone

lost direction

i feel as if im losing my directions. so many things in my life keep going wrong, keep not happening, keep not going the way i thought they should, or the way i thought God wanted them too. im struggling in trusting God, having faith in God, living Gods plan and just doing whats right. i screw up all the time and it seems like more then ever. ive taken things away from people i shouldnt have. ive know i should go to fullsail for about 2 years now and in the last few months i havent been able to get enough money for it. ive need a new car but havent been able to afford one or even get a job to pay for one. i say i want to try more and in the end i try less.

to be continued...

The "I am"

this weekend i hit my lowest low in a very long time. i made a choice to do something and let something happen because i wanted it to. im sorry for letting it happen but it doesn’t remove what i did. i have been forgiven but im not going unpunished. after what i did i went on a walk for about 3 hrs, i stopped at a place of my child hood and rested there for about an hour of that walk. the first hour was explaining to God what i did and my thoughts about it. the next hour at the rest point was just silencing my hurt, remember times of innocence, of closeness, and then of the beautiful creations God has created, the next hour i walked slowly trying to listen to what God had to say, He didn’t have to say much, but i believe i heard a voice inside say "its ok" then i felt calm, i wasn’t angry any more, i still felt bad, but i wasn’t going to dwell on a sin and dig myself a hole in it. i was going to get out of it and keep moving. i returned home to have a great talk with a friend that has always been there for me. we don’t talk or hang out much and kind of have a different life but always can talk. it was nice. i slipped and went back to the "old life" but im going to try my best not to allow that to happen.
i started reading a book this week called "searching for God knows what". im on page 50 and am loving it. this has been said before but the writer says the goes for a walk and tells God that He doesn’t exist, but that right there he realizes isn’t possible, how do you tell some one to their face that they aren't real? it kind of hit me, He does exist where ever you are or what ever you are doing, He knows all and sees all. another point the writer brings up is the type of god he was dening, it was a god of rules and points, a set by set god. he later learns that the true God of the Bible isnt that way, He is a relational God, some one that wants to hear your thoughts, feel your pains, hug you when you feel down, and sit you in his lap and say "its ok". and it really hit me on my walk. God is big, He is real, He loves us for all that we do, we can do the worst things in the world, and be forgiven and start doing His work the next day. He is "I am", in the hebrew that is so much more powerful, it leads back to the first days of earth, creation, its infinite; "I am 'I am'" it repeats to the begining and the end. i still feel like crap about what i did but i really feel loved and supported in this time of hurt. i dont know if i made sense in this but i dont care, i understand it. a lesson to you all is just show love and just grow. im trying to do it do, its hard to keep up but we all have to start some where.
thank you God for being the "I am"

trust vs. faith

"Father... don't you have faith in me?"
"I have faith in the lord! I trust you as much as one can trust a 15 year old boy."
That is a line from last weeks episode of House called God vs. House. It wasnt the best episode ever but that line kind of struck me. Not because I see where the guy is coming from, which I do, but thats besides the point. Its because faith is different then trust. People say they lost faith in some one when they really only lost trust in them. But say they lost trust in God but no longer have faith to believe it. I might be just talking out of my butt, but I really dont care. This blog is for me to type and type I will. I do really think its hard for people to understand the difference, many people that have faith in God think that trust is the same thing, but trust can be broken like a promise. God doesnt promise to do anything besides to Love. But we say we trust a certian thing will happen because we prayed about it, but when it doesnt we blame God, and praise ourselves... kind of weird aye? Yeah it is. But when you have faith that God will provide that certian thing and it doesnt happen, you don't blame Him, you praise and glorify Him because it wasnt in His timing or His will. Crazy that we can mix those to weirds up.
faith
n. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
trust
n. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Faith = no evidence, no substance Trust = has evidence, has substance.
Please dont get me wrong, we should trust in God because He tells us too. But alot of people believe they hear Gods voice or know what God would do, and "trust" that thing will happen, and some times it doesnt. Most of the time we talk to God we really dont listen back... we process the idea that we talked to God about, that we come up with our on conclusion and believe God lead us there. Sometimes it just doesnt turn out. I trust God will provide, because He will, but I have faith that He will do it on His timing, when I truly need it, when it will bring to Him more glory, not something to distract me more.

I might be completely wrong, way off, may have smashed my thumb with the hammer, dropped the nail, and cracked the board. But maybe I got close enough for a point.
I really would like some feed back.
The reason I have this blog is to ask questions to people, have it always there to go back to, to get responses, or just to get out thoughts.
So hop to it

selflessness and selfishness

God ask us to be selfless not selfish. We all fall into the second one alot. We have so much time in our lifes to help out others, to teach, to be tought, and to just show love. But we usually hide away, not opening up in fear of getting hurt, fear of having to hide away even deeper next time. It's a hard thing to do and still keep strong. Life isn't a simple game of give and take, or just take or just give. There is so much more into it, sometimes when we are giving, we are taking. And when we take, we give. Every person has a different type of love language. We in our selfishness don't see that or take the time to learn it. We simply just do what ever our love language is, and get hurt or hate that person for not understanding the true meaning in what you did for them. We have to find out if that person words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service or physical touch. We miss out on these detail and lose touch with people or fail to even start relationships. We need to take the time to get to know each other and care for each other as loving brothers and sisters.

My mini topic is how people just ignore what others say and take it offensively and get hurt by it. Instead of understanding that one person likes one thing but is willing to do another thing for another person to make them happy. So stop taking things as if that person doesnt want to do it, or is trying to make it the worst time, but understand they would like, as themselves, to do something else with their time.

blur

lifes a blur, its been just zipping by and nothing is being achieved. I really need to work on time management, I used to have a schedule to life, with work and school, I know the times I had free, and what I needed to do. But now I keep putting everything off, and sleeping in, waking up when ever, going to bed really late (early in the morn), doing random work, but not getting the needed work done, I keep losing track of days and time. I really need more time management. I really dont have the money, but I'm thinking of getting a pda or a pocketpc. I really need to set up my life, I need to get my business going, I need a new job(s), I need to get stuff done for college, I need to get my life back into a schedule.
So any one want to give money to the mike needs a pda fund?

Miss Placed Title

This doesnt have a title because it doesnt have just have one things I'm talking about.
I first sit here sore, realizing I have wasted a week away, not becuase I'm stuck to a couch because I had surgery, (which I am, but not the point). I have been sitting here watching tv, movies, going on myspace, and chating online. Only in the past 2 days have I actually done something. I finally worked on a logo for a company, I got up and walk around outside, and today I started really getting into The Hobbit and I got; a photoshop cs2, a flash mx book, and I found my illustrator 10 book. But for the last week I have done nothing, I could have read the bible, learned some more, edited some videos. The other week Sara (forced) made me make pray cards, I didnt see a point to them, I still kind of don't because I don't work that way. But I wrote on there for one thing is Time Management, I was thinking at the time that I was getting busy and need to get priorities set and manage those times that I have. But this week I see it in a new light. Why do I sit at the computer watching movie and going on things like myspace, when I could enlighten myself with a new study in something like a book of the bible or something.
My second thing is well my future. I'm graduated, I need a job, I need to pay of my parents, get a car, build a new computer, help pay for college, pay for random things, get cloths, buy a new video camera, upgrade the mac(g4), I would like to get an ipod, I need to pay for plane tickets if Sara and I stay together to see each other and I need cash for cash. I just think of the near future, just looking for those jobs, traveling, and relationships. Moving to Florida with Adam, going to college. College, its not a normal college, I'm going to get my bacherlors degree in 22 months, that about 30 credits every 11 months. I dont know how I'm going to handle this. Also just living with Adam, how thats going to work, being on my own, having to do everything, no one to fall back on, its going to be insane. I think of trying to find time and money to see Sara and/or just talk to her on the phone. I think of afterwards the far future, the moving back or going to boston or philly or something. I just dont know. Time will tell, but when is it going to tell.
I'm actually scared for everything... I'm never scared, but I'm getting there.
I just don't know.

time

I have 10 days. I have my computer, a tv, movies, and books. I sit here in and out of reality. Even now Im not sure what time/day/location it is. Not to say I dont know these things, but more or less that I forget them. I fall asleep and wake up in a new world. I dont know whats going on. Im locked in this basement in pain and lonely. I hurt from not doing anything. But I also realize in the next few days I will be feeling better, enough to stay awake for a while and read, watch a full movie, or even write. Ive been sitting here almost falling asleep while typing this. The only thing that is keeping me awake is my loud music, and that only works so long. I miss my friends. I miss being able to do things. Im done with school, I really need to get a job, but cant yet bc Im laid up. I want to visit people, but cant bc Im stuck to a couch. My life is wonderful, Sara came over yesterday and took care of me and today she got me dinner and stuff. Levi Knoll made a big pot of soup for me (chicken and rice, so good) and today he stops by and drops off a bunch of his dvds for me to watch. Matt Bedwin stopped in and said hi too. Im not begging for more visitors but do wish to see more of my friends. Im done now, Im almost asleep. Untill next post, keep your stick on the ice.

keeping it

i might not update this alot, this will be more of a personal one, that a select few will read. so dont worry, im keeping it, and going to update it. but myspace will be my social party area, and this will be like my coffee with a close friend area.
yuppers. sushi is good

trash or save?

im still not sure if i want this thing or not. but dont worry, till i decide to keep it, i will post, if i decide not to, it will be deleted

mac widget - they are sweet

I just posted but I'm trying out a blogspot widget on the mac, its pretty sweet, I dont even have to go to the site and do any of this. Its just one quick step of sending it.

Another Type of Media Mistake

I'm trying another time consuming nothing-ness for the masses to connect and forget about each other.