The "I am"

this weekend i hit my lowest low in a very long time. i made a choice to do something and let something happen because i wanted it to. im sorry for letting it happen but it doesn’t remove what i did. i have been forgiven but im not going unpunished. after what i did i went on a walk for about 3 hrs, i stopped at a place of my child hood and rested there for about an hour of that walk. the first hour was explaining to God what i did and my thoughts about it. the next hour at the rest point was just silencing my hurt, remember times of innocence, of closeness, and then of the beautiful creations God has created, the next hour i walked slowly trying to listen to what God had to say, He didn’t have to say much, but i believe i heard a voice inside say "its ok" then i felt calm, i wasn’t angry any more, i still felt bad, but i wasn’t going to dwell on a sin and dig myself a hole in it. i was going to get out of it and keep moving. i returned home to have a great talk with a friend that has always been there for me. we don’t talk or hang out much and kind of have a different life but always can talk. it was nice. i slipped and went back to the "old life" but im going to try my best not to allow that to happen.
i started reading a book this week called "searching for God knows what". im on page 50 and am loving it. this has been said before but the writer says the goes for a walk and tells God that He doesn’t exist, but that right there he realizes isn’t possible, how do you tell some one to their face that they aren't real? it kind of hit me, He does exist where ever you are or what ever you are doing, He knows all and sees all. another point the writer brings up is the type of god he was dening, it was a god of rules and points, a set by set god. he later learns that the true God of the Bible isnt that way, He is a relational God, some one that wants to hear your thoughts, feel your pains, hug you when you feel down, and sit you in his lap and say "its ok". and it really hit me on my walk. God is big, He is real, He loves us for all that we do, we can do the worst things in the world, and be forgiven and start doing His work the next day. He is "I am", in the hebrew that is so much more powerful, it leads back to the first days of earth, creation, its infinite; "I am 'I am'" it repeats to the begining and the end. i still feel like crap about what i did but i really feel loved and supported in this time of hurt. i dont know if i made sense in this but i dont care, i understand it. a lesson to you all is just show love and just grow. im trying to do it do, its hard to keep up but we all have to start some where.
thank you God for being the "I am"